I was here first

There’s a lot of chat about web presence nowadays. That you should be mindful about how you appear to the outside world, in case an imaginary recruiter pops by and sees that Facebook cover photo of you downing Jägerbombs with your gran in Amsterdam. You should leave out compromising nicknames (”Bonzo”, ”King of Dildos”), change your cover photo into a picture of a sunset: anything to make it clear that you don’t actually have a personality.

My Facebook cover photo has the word ’butt dust’ in it.

In 2000 my web presence consisted of a website I’d made. A lot of us had one of these: flashy banners, pop-up windows, visitor counters; pictures of Orlando Bloom topless, on a beach. Mine had poetry, a great cake recipe, an experimental play text and photos of pigeons I’d taken.

I had my picture up on the front page, accompanied by my phone number. Can you imagine doing that now? The abuse you’d get? Back in the day, no one would have bothered to send you a picture of their genitals. Mainly because it would’ve taken aeons to load. Sing the entirety of the song ”Africa” by Toto inside your head. That’s how long it took for a picture to load. Bobby Kimball would be getting to his third chorus of ”IT’S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOUUU” and you still wouldn’t be halfway to seeing a photo of someone’s shrivelled ballsack. There just was no point.

The site was shambolic and all over the place.

And I loved it.

In this day and age, your Internet portfolio is supposed to be coherent and sleek. This has led to everyone’s website looking the same. If you have a blog, it’s expected to have a theme: dogs, fashion, your javelin hobby. If you experience a setback (illness, getting fired, accidentally throwing your javelin in a bog), you’re meant to allude to it cryptically and move on, like you’re superhuman. Like you’re a brand. Brands don’t get sad unless it’s profitable. 

I’m tired of this lukewarm nonsense. I miss the old internet. This is why this website is a continuation of my 2000 web presence, with probably fewer cake recipes. This is not a continuation of my LinkedIN profile. I hate LinkedIN. Everyone hates LinkedIN. The people who started LinkedIN probably hate LinkedIN. 

I’m less interested in credibility. More in humanity. And if you’re still reading, I’m willing to send you the cake recipe.